The Honeybee syndrome.

We dream of breaking loose, running away, starting a small company; a café perhaps in a small lazy town where locals have their own heroes, their own history and their own identity. But we only dream; paralysed by the fear of mortgage payments, the loss of subtle comforts of a feather pillow and sweet smelling candles. We don’t break the rut; we don’t turn our backs to all the other rats. There is comfort in quantifying that elusive concept of value of life. Even though deep down we know, this is that one thing that should not be quantified.

Today as I was having a cup of coffee with my friend and a few regular jokes later, he happened to mention an astute thought that most people are living through a decision they probably made decades ago, bored in their jobs wondering how they ended up there. What’s seemed like a smart idea, even enjoyable some 10-15 years ago is just plain humdrum now. We fail to acknowledge that it was a smart decision in those set of circumstances, in that mindset, in that era. And the more rapidly our world changes the more obsolete that decision will become, even sooner. Some people force the idea of discipline on themselves and live with the decision; many like me stay up awake and wonder what that heavy drone feeling is?

I don’t want my life to be a series of disciplined acts; I want my life to be a series of enjoyable experiences, fulfilling times. How am I to find that balance between being able to pay my rent and not labour the weight of an old decision? Most people in the world will applaud you for your sense of diligence, but who will recognise the creativity that flows from randomness? I want to celebrate the impulsiveness in me. I want to enjoy the inquisitiveness of my childhood all over again. I don’t want to beat myself up for not being as passionate about some thing I was very passionate about 10 years ago.
I look all around me and I dread ending up a sour middle aged person just coz I didn’t indulge in my core personality attribute. And least of all I so don’t want to lose that. I don’t want someone telling me that, losing it is growing up. Coz growing up is so much more than becoming boring.